Friday, March 7, 2008

i *heart* garlic

i love garlic so much i got it tattooed on my body and made my mother cry.
the residual guilt, sorry mom, has kept me from getting all the other tattoos i want, including an olive tree, a head of kale, and team dresh lyrics, anyway. this is the garlic tribute post. welcome to the garlic tribute post.

garlic is a fucking incredible food. first of all, much like healthy and delicious body odor, it keeps shallow, annoying people away. it also keeps vampires away, unless they're ubervamps or the vampires in lost boys. but it will keep most vampires away. now, isn't you life better without vampires and jerks bugging you?

secondly, garlic is a natural antibiotic and anti-inflammatory noun (is there a word for that? i'm feeling stupid today). rubbing it on cuts and scars can help heal them. eating lots of it raw can cure a cold. eating tons of it on a regular basis will help to keep you from getting a cold. i'll put some links here later.


there should be a handy name for this dish. i've heard it called "marinated kale," and "massaged kale" but i think it needs a name like "the good stuff"
now, i don't really measure anything. you just have to keep tasting it as you go and adjust.

one head of kale. any kind of kale. or collards.
4-8 cloves of galic
one tsp sea salt
four tablespoons olive oil
two tablespoons lemon juice (like half a lemon)

wash, murder, de-spine, and chop the kale into pretty small pieces.
chop the garlic into tiny mince or smush it real good.
put the garlic in olive oil in a huge bowl and let it sit there for a few minutes while you rub more garlic all over your face for no reason.
then add the lemon juice and sea salt and kale. careful with the salt, add a little at a time. then basically knead the kale in the bowl with all the ingredients. just crush it with your hands so it can absorb all the flavors. after you're done tasting and crushing, the kale will slowly get softer and more like a condiment than like a salad. it'll keep in the fridge for two or three days. eat it as a salad or put it on top of other stuff. i like it on top of a stew or with bread or with beans.


chris said...

my mom actually makes a similar sort of kale, but with sesame oil, toasted sesame seeds, and maybe a little tamari and rice vinegar. it's pretty awesome.

while i fully understand residual guilt, i think you should get all those tattoos. while we're on the subject of moms, mine only rolled her eyes and was all "ugh...of course you'd do that" regarding my decision to literally bear a teapot for the rest of my life. it's residual destitution that has kept me from adding the rest of the tea set/party, plus a valerian plant. that's next.

Abram said...

Carmichael, I need to hook you up with my partner... She wants a kale tattoo at some point, so when I read about your garlic tattoo, and about garlic keeping away shallow, annoying people (love it!), I had to get her to read the post.

We had a good laugh. Poor mothers, though. Once you get over the guilt, go ahead and add the other tattoos and share pictures of them.

Mmmmm, garlic (drool)! And kale, mmmm! Stop it, I just ate!

Stephanie said...

Yum. Kale+garlic+olive oil+lemon juice = happiness. Though we usually saute it instead of mashing. If everyone ate lots of garlic, no one would notice garlic breath - this is the secret to a happy, garlic-filled marriage.

I recently started thinking that I want a galaxy tatooed on my shoulder when I finish my PhD. It might make my parents cry too, or at least tell me I'm a dumbass, but I've been so non-rebellious that I think that might be a good thing.

carmichael said...


chris, that kale sounds good, too. maybe today is the day to make that.

abram, i like your blog, i haven't had time to read it all but i am excited to learn more about sprouting. i've sprouted things before, but i think after i move to a new apartment, my roommates and i are going to get serious about fermenting and spouting.

stephanie! hi!
i think that just after getting a phd is absolutely the best time to get a tattoo. which galaxy? i'm going to write you a real letter.

Rhys said...

When I was in Austin, I saw someone with a broccoli tattoo. She said someone told her she should tattoo melted cheese on it. And she said no thanks.

jennconspiracy said...

Photo of tattoo of garlic, please... I have a friend who got a tattoo of a golden chanterelle and a radish being spiral sliced...